Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confesses to everything; Hoffa murder solved

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In secret proceedings which nobody was allowed to witness, criminal mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed outlined his role in several crimes during a two-hour long confession. President Bush is calling this a “major victory” in the war on terror.

Mohammed confessed to his role in the murder of Jimmy Hoffa, orchestraing the Oklahoma City bombing, the first World Trade Center attack, the 911 attack, the Kennedy assassination, supplying President Bush with faulty pre-war intelligence concerning WMDs, slavery, the Lufthansa heist, the 1997 Dunbar Armored robbery, the 1998 Bank of America robbery, being the infamous Zodiac Killer, carrying out the murders ascribed to Jack the Ripper, the failed war on cancer, the Olof Palme assassination, Hurricane Katrina, stalking Paris Hilton, botching the Hurricane Katrina relief plan, shooting Presidential candidate George Wallace, being the DB Cooper hijacker, paying bribes to members of Congress, the Jon-Benet Ramsey murder, the Georgi Markov murder, all crime in the state of Idaho, the Columbine High School shooting, Diabetes Type I, all bad weather east of the Mississippi, creating the Bird Flu, the Vioxx scandal, the Enron accounting schemes, U.S. election fraud by registering to vote 2,352,537 times around the country in favor of President Bush in the 2000 election, the spread of Herpes Simplex, sinking the Lusitania, being the real murderer of Cain’s brother Abel, the U.S. government’s torture of prisoners, leaking the name of covert operative Valerie Plame, torturing himself to extract a confession, the raid on Pearl Harbor, and then eventually he broke down and confessed to everything that has ever been bad in the history of the world.

Jurists are saying that figuring out what the sentences for his crimes should be could prove to be a difficult task, since many of his crimes are so old people would need to research the archives of criminal statutes.

“It might even require teams of archaeologists to dig up some of the material we need. I mean, we would need to find the murder statutes during the days of Cain and Abel,” said Justice Department spokeswoman Emma Lyon. Lyon continued, “Also, because of KSM’s testimony where he says he is responsible for leaking the name of Valerie Plame, Scooter Libby could now go free.”

“Don’t forget: there is no statute of limitations on murder,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “The Jack the Ripper slayings and Zodiac murders are still prosecutable crimes.”

Government officials are saying that if he was tried for all of his crimes, this could take up to 47 years, costing taxpayers more than $2.2 trillion.

“But the money would all go to good use, as it would keep us government officials employed,” said one official, speaking on condition of anonymity.