Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses To Planning Pearl Harbor Attack, Crucifixion Of Jesus Christ, Mt…

Al Qaeda’s Number Three terror chief, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, in addition to admitting planning the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the murder of journalist Daniel Pearl, the 9/11 attacks, the Bali, Indonesia bombings as well as a host of other recent terror attacks, now says it was he and not Judas Iscariot who turned Jesus Christ into Roman authorities before Passover in 33 AD. He also alleges that he orchestrated the Mt. Vesuvius volcanic eruption in 79 AD, helped Japan plan the December 7, 1942 sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, was the second shooter of President John F. Kennedynin Dallas 1963, was a fashion consultant to transvestite and FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover, caused Hurricane Katrina and perhaps most stunningly of all, has neglected to pay 4,876,332 parking tickets in cities ranging from Weehawken, New Jersey to Cape Town, South Africa.

Mr. Mohammed made the admissions, which were read during a Combatant Status Review Tribunal at the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, earlier this week after years of interrogation. Terrorism experts were agog at the scope of his crimes, not to mention his longevity. “We can sure close a lot cases with his confession,” remarked a senior investigator, who declined to give his name, citing his desir to continue to at least appear sane. But while some intelligence agencies expressed skepticism that Mr. Mohammed could have possibly been involved with more than 2000 years worth of manmade and natural disasters, particularly the parking ticket thing, members of the Bush Administration pointed to the confessions as proof of what years of torture can do for justice.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Everybody complained about our use of…creative interrogation techniques, but you’d be amazed at what a couple of towels and three hundred gallons of water can do. At least now we finally know what happened to Amelia Earhart.”

Continuing to speak on the condition of anonymity, Waterhouse continued, ” There is one problem, though. No matter what we do, we still can’t get that asshole to admit he stole all of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction, but we’re working on a new interrogation technique that involves an old Marky Mark cd, 45,000 volts of electricity and some Coco Puffs. Pretty soon we feel certain we’ll get that admission too, as well as find out exactly why Pickett’s Charge failed at Gettysburg.”