Large Hadron Collider Finds No Trace of Higgs Boson

Red-faced scientists working with the $12 billion Large Hadron Collider (LHC) admitted today that they have found no evidence at all of the so-called mysterious Higgs Boson nor have they found anything the least bit remarkable.

“We spent $12 billion on this damned thing”, said project scientist Sergei Bitchyacockoff. “It was a waste of time and money. But it’s keeping a lot of scientists employed so we’ll keep it running”.

The LHC was supposed to find evidence of the Higgs Boson which has been described as the “God Particle”. The particle only existed in theoretical constructs but the LHC, if it has done anything at all, has proven that the particle does not exist.

“This damned thing doesn’t do anything!” shouted LHC chief scientist Jos Engelen. “We can’t even get it to make a tiny black hole!”

Critics of the LHC project lament that the money spent on the Collider could have been spent to help solve global climate change or feed the world’s hungry. Instead the money was spent for nothing.

“We may still get some science out of this thing yet”, insisted project director Lars Helpme. “Just give us a few billion more dollars!”