The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, has announced a successful run of the $10-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider, which has been plagued for years with both technical problems and predictions that it’s use will cause the destruction of the Known Universe. And while scientists cheered as the Collider directed two proton beams into each other at three times more force than ever before, naysayer’s expressed a grim satisfaction as the Known Universe did indeed implode, just as they predicted. Here are some reader comments:
Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana said, “I knew it would happen, you know, the end of time and space and all that if they collided these protons, and when I woke up this morning and heard on the TV that the world had ended…well, I was upset, let me tell you. Why, just yesterday I fixed the damn gutter on my garage; turns out that with the world being destroyed and all, I could’ve just stayed inside and watched a re-run of “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”
Unnamed Tea Bag Party Source, Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the TB movement are justifiably incensed at the reckless use of so-called science that has once again resulted in the total destruction of everything. What is this, the sixth or seventh time now that the Godless scientific community has annihilated Mankind? Won’t these people ever learn?”
Little Mikey Weiner, six year old grandson of Herb Allist of Brooklyn, NY, said, “Grandpa was screaming just the other day about the end of the world, but he thought it would be Obama’s Healthcare thing that destroyed it or Nancy Pelosi, not this part…partic…particular thing. But Grandpa is always screaming about something…Momma says he just a savage and I shouldn’t listen to him…so I didn’t pay any attention. Good thing too, cause Mrs. Jensen said I still have to turn in my book report even if the Universe wasn’t there to read it.”
The utter destruction of Mankind and the Known Universe has also played havoc with stock markets around the world- the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped .01% on the news and oil prices rose by ten cents per barrel amid speculation that without a solid planet to walk on, more people would be driving. Heating oil prices have also risen as oblivion is a cold, cold place.
The end of the Universe as we know it also has its bright side, of course. Fears of Global Warming have decreased markedly, as there is no longer a globe to warm, the glut of foreclosed and existing homes have eased dramatically and the crisis in the Middle East has disappeared, along with the rest of everything else. Plus, and most happily of all, you’ll never get stuck reading any of this writer’s crap again.