It’s 4:30 AM now, but I’ve been up since 3:00 this morning. While waiting for my i-Phone to update to 4.0, I had some time to think before I actually wrote anything, and I did come to one great conclusion. The late, late night, as it edges towards dawn, is a really bad time to write anything, let alone satire. In fact, I at least, shouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near a keyboard until say, 6:00 or 7:00. A person who gets up in the middle of the night to post stories has to by definition either be in pain and therefore cranky and uncomfortable, the victim of a nightmare so horrible that they’re afraid to go back to sleep, have too many things running through their mind, or just naturally possess a morbid personality. In my case it’s all four. At this hour a sense of humor just doesn’t enter the picture.
In the middle of the night, the news seems weirder than at noon. First off, it’s less important…the President played golf and took in a baseball game while oil still spilled into the Gulf of Mexico? Why is that important? The Gulf Spill is an American problem; have all the baseball and golf games been called off while it’s happening?
I don’t care much for sports, the idea of just watching as other guys play games never appealed to me. But I never got really worked up about people playing or watching games while there was a crisis going on either. I mean, it’s not as if the guy took time away from sifting through the rubble of a collapsed building looking for survivors or something. I’ll even bet he had a cell phone with him so he could keep in touch. Those White House guys are pretty tech savvy.
It’s like cheating on their wives…a lot of people get mad at their Presidents for doing that too, but some of our best ones did it. In fact, I’d go so far as to postulate that, aside from the pain and suffering it causes their families, a little sex is good for a President. Keeps em relaxed, you see, and I want the guy with his finger on the button as calm as possible.
Think about it- JFK screwed around a lot, but during the Cuban Missile Crisis he didn’t start WWIII. By all accounts, George Bush II was faithful and what did he do? Attacked Iraq. FDR and Eisenhower had mistresses and they won WWII. Clinton played the field and gave us budget surpluses, but I believe Reagan was faithful and he sold guns to Iran to fund Central American revolutions. So if getting a little on side helps my President to think straight, let em have at it, I say. A sexually frustrated President is counter-productive. After all, I’m faithful and I’m a mess.
These are examples of late night thoughts. This is the time of night you should be thinking about dead friends, missed opportunities, mistakes you’ve made that you’ll never be able to correct, not being funny. My problem is I write for a satire magazine and shouldn’t be posting things like this here at all. Luckily I have enough dirt on my editors that they don’t stop me and anyway, our standards are pretty loose; I mean, look at some of the crap I’ve posted here. Go ahead, I dare you.
So I post this now at 5:30, California time. A new dawn is just breaking and soon the news may make sense again. But then again, why should it?