Laura Bush Finally Admits: "I Married A Dope"


First Lady Laura Bush, dispatched to hard hit southern states by the White House to assist with damage control in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina debacle has, instead of making things better for her husband, United States President George W. Bush, apparently made matters that much worse. The incident occurred while Mrs. Bush was giving a radio interview after visiting some of the areas hard hit by the Category Five storm.

Responding to a question posed by her radio host regarding rapper Kanye West’s accusation that her husband “doesn’t care about Black people”, Mrs. Bush said, ” I think all those remarks are disgusting, to be perfectly frank, because of course President Bush cares about everyone in our country.” Then, after an awkward moments silence, Mrs. Bush continued, her voice trembling with emotion, ” It’s just…it’s just that…oh God! It’s just that he’s such a dope sometimes, I can’t stand it. He’s so completely and utterly clueless…it just drives me up a wall. The whole families the same way, I swear to Christ. You heard what that stupid bitch, my own fucking mother in law, said about the people in the Astrodome wanting to stay in Texas. You tell me, go ahead…tell me, what African American in his right mind would actually want to stay in Texas? What the hell does she think, Blacks regard Texas as a shining beacon of racial fucking equality or something? Christ on a crutch, how idiotic is that?”

While the radio interviewer, torn between protecting a woman who was obviously facing the sordid truth about her life or getting on tape the biggest interview of his or anyone else’s career, fumbled between the mute and volume controls, Laura Bush gathered steam and continued her diatribe.

“I can’t believe what I’ve done with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love the girls (her daughters Jenna and whatever the other ones name is Bush) and I wouldn’t have had that without George, and yes, because of that family’s money I didn’t have to spend the rest of my life pushing dime bags like back in college, I admit that. What’s more, before George had his fucking Born Again epiphany shit we had a real good time, drinking and partying and such, but man, since then life just sucks, especially since 9/11 when George decided that it was God, not Karl Rove who stole the election for him just so that he could go and Fight Evildoers. I mean think about it…why would a just and loving God pick a drunken ex fighter pilot with the IQ of a Spaulding baseball who deserted from the Texas National Guard for fucks sake, then failed at pretty much everything he did except for getting Daddy’s friends to bail him out, to save the Free fucking World? I’m sorry, but that would make God just as stupid as he (Mr. Bush) is. I swear, I just can’t take it. I wish I still smoked pot.”

Administration officials were quick to distance themselves from the First Lady’s unscripted remarks. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We in the White House in no way agree that George W. Bush has the intelligence of a Spaulding baseball. After all, a Spaulding baseball is an inanimate object, filled with a rubbery substance and is incapable of putting two words together in a coherent sentence and… and… anyway, we support George W. Bush completely, that is until the American People finally wake up and indict the jack off for treason; then we cut him loose and I finally get a chance to make my play for Laura.”