Liberals Delighted, Conservatives Dismayed At George W. Bush's Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts

United States President George W. Bush, in yet another in a long list of gestures meant to bring together minorities, environmentalists, women and Liberals, has nominated a Conservative White Man to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Conner. While best known as an anti-Choice, anti- Gay and pro-school prayer tree killer, US Court of Appeals Judge John Roberts is still not Conservative enough for some Fundamentalist and Evangelical Christian groups, who had hoped that President Bush would have nominated someone who shared more of their values, like Judge Roy Bean, uh, Moore. The problem with Mr. Roberts, as the Evangelicals see it, is that as a Papist doomed to burn in the Fires of Hell after the Rapture, the Roman Catholic DC Circuit Judge is really just one small step away from being Satan.

But to his credit, President Bush has resisted cow-towing to his “base” by nominating a widely popular ultra conservative justice along the lines of the late Ayatollah Kohmeini and instead let his decision be guided by the altruistic desire to foster the spirit of cooperation that John Roberts will no doubt engender among anti-American, left wing radical members of the population, such as Democrats, women and minorities.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity hailed the choice, saying, ” While many groups are lining up in opposition to President Bush’s nominee, they are all nothing more than crazed and misguided Devil worshippers who are just as doomed to the Fire as is Judge Roberts is himself and are therefore irrelevant. The only problem is that fully half of the population of the United States are Godless Heathens and Democrats, which are the same thing really, and those Satanists that they’ve elected to the Senate like Hillary Clinton and Barbara Boxer could mount a filibuster against him. But that’s George Bush all over; bringing people, especially his enemies, together to work in the spirit of cooperation that’s so sorely missing from American politics today. Plus, he (Mr. Bush) is hoping that for a few days at least hatred of John Roberts will take people on both sides of the Heaven/Hell issue’s minds off Karl Rove’s and Scooter Libby’s treasonous behavior in the Valerie Plame scandal.”