Lindsay Lohan Car Crash Overhauls FEMA

(Los Angeles–CA) Lindsay Lohan, the popular teen star who has made a second career of crashing high performance cars, is the first example of what White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan at a press conference today dubbed “the new FEMA.”

Two weeks agao, Lohan crashed her black Mercedes-Benz into a maroon Chevy Astro Van driven by Raymundo Ortega. Ortega only received minor bruises but was upset that Lohan did not ask after him. He told Access Hollywood that the Fully Loaded star plowed into him and then passed him by to run into a nearby antique store.

In a phone interview, Lohan’s publicist said “Lindsay would normally never turn her back on a fan she has run over if a Beanie Baby didn’t happened to catch her eye in the window of the store. It was bad judgement, but you know young girls and Beanie Babies.”

However, George Bush had been watching Access Hollywood and saw the crisis potential. McClellan said “the President immediately called up Paulie (his nickname for the new head of FEMA, David Paulison) and told him ‘we gotta get some aid to that good folk.'”

1,500 first responders were sent to Ortega’s home in Los Angeles to “see if he needs anything.” At first, Ortega was somewhat puzzled. “I didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe they thought I was Middle Eastern. Were they here to take me away?” Until a responder asked ‘”do you need anything?” After an hour of not being able to come up with anything, Ortega saw that “they were kind of just standing around, and I felt bad. So I told them that they could maybe mow my lawn and pick up my daughter from school, which they did. And I have to say the response was quick.”

Though the response time to the “disaster” was within 24 hours, critics of the Bush administration are claiming that it was only due to the fact that Ortega was a person of color, and the speed of action was to make up for the inaction of New Orleans.

McClellan denied the charge. “President Bush is crisis oriented. When the people