Lindsay Lohan Declares, "Screw It! I'm Getting Sh*t Faced!"

(Provo-Utah) Just a week out of the Cirque Lodge treatment center, Lindsay Lohan released a surprising statement via live web stream on The once cute as a button child star, now large bosomed twenty something darling to those who don’t adhere to the “Enjoy responsibly” at the end of alcohol ads, was sh*t faced but surprisingly coherent at the “Drink Till You Drop” bar.

“It wush a sobering experience,” Lohan slurred of her rehab stay. “Get it? Sobering. HA. Not to mention humbling…Hey, I tol’ you not to mention that…bitch! Being sober made me really, really, really, really…really look at myself, and all of the people, places and things in my life. And you know wush I realized? I need a freakin’ drink.”

When interviewer, Michael Lohan, who had set-up the web stream and pre-sold advertising to both Bacardi and Myers rum, asked, “Do you have any other observations?” The distaff Lohan picked her head off of the bar top. “Yeah, yeah. Where are the goddamn Funions? I said I want Funions!” Lohan then looked at her father with a smile.” “Daddy, I love you so mush. You know how mush? I’m going to get you some…Funions!”

Lohan answered several questions from fans, who were instant messaging via Hotmail and AOL, because Michael Lohan promised both companies unique sponsorships. One fan asked, “Why do you drink?” To which Lohan answered, “Because cocaine is illegal.” Another was curious why Lohan even went to rehab? To which the one known as “fire crotch” to Paris Hilton, replied, “Ash a good question. Hey, you seem pretty smart. Say, maybe you can invent a bar top where your head dush’nt hurt when you hit it.” A final question of, “Why do you like Funions so much,” abruptly ended the interview, when Lohan begin screaming, “Get my Daddy Funions. My Daddy needs Funions.”

Michael Lohan was later asked by on CNN’s “Larry King Live” why, after a three and a half year estrangement form his daughter, he would he allow this to happen? Father Lohan was direct. “Larry, if I’d have known both Hotmail and AOL wanted exclusive rights to handle the IM or that Bacardi and Myers didn’t want to co-sponsor, I would have never done it.” King then said, “The drinking, your daughter, I meant the booze?” “Oh that”, replied Michael Lohan, “Larry, we all need to find our way.” Then Lohan held up a bottle of Heineken. “And with a Heineken in her hand, my Lindsay can find her way, because she won’t need to look for cool, crisp, refreshing goodness.”

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