London Scientology Protest Threatens to Turn Violent over Tom Cruise Assault


London, England (UPSI) – London police were stunned early this morning as a wave of global protests against Scientology threatened to become violent there. Thousands of protesters, many more than police and Scientology security had anticipated, showed up at the London branch of the Church of Scientology. The protesters remained anonymous by dressing in similar garb and hats and wearing identical masks. The protesters referred to themselves simply as “X”, and stood outside the church blocking both vehicular and pedestrian traffic.

The protest almost became violent as Tom Cruise, visiting London for a future film project, exited the church and began taunting the demonstrators. Police intervened after one of the demonstrators lunged forward, grabbing Cruise by the throat and shouting, “The multiplying villainies of Xenu do swarm upon him!” The protester then disappeared among the crowd, apparently escaping, and no arrests were made.


“We are all X,” stated an anonymous protester afterwards. “X is my brother, my sister, my mother and father. X is the poor soul that’s been brainwashed and robbed blind by the Church of Scientology. We are legion and we are anonymous… X for Xenuphobia.”

Reports of minor vandalism of Church of Scientology websites have been cropping up across the Internet. Large red X’s are superimposed over graphics and banners worldwide, and church security is at a loss to explain away or defend against the massive computer hacks.

“I would caution the protesters about going too far with this religious persecution,” stated Scientology spokesperson Tom Cruise. “If this continues in America later today, people should know that the Church of Scientology is an official member of Infragard. The Sea Org is now fully armed, and as a member of Infragard, they are authorized to protect various aspects of our contributions to the nation’s infrastructure using deadly force. We’re authorized by the FBI to do this, and we will shoot on sight.”