Madonna To Play Cindy Sheehan on Lifetime

(Jerusalem–Israel) At a press conference by the Wailing Wall, Madonna, now known as Esther, announced that she will play the role of Cindy Sheehan in a Lifetime movie to be titled Esther’s Mitzvah To Cindy.

The Material Mom explained the movie’s title. “When I think about this fercokt war and the tsoriss of this Mother, the only way I can help is to offer my talent as a mitzvah, not only for Ms. Sheehan but for the whole world because we are all mishpocha.” At first, the statement bewildered reporters because Madonna delivered it in a British accent, something she hasn’t done since 1993. After this was pointed out, she quickly recovered. “It’s that gonif in the White House. He’s got me all fertummelt. I say to him ‘a messa mashee af deer.'” Madonna/Esther then spit on the ground. At which point Rabbi Topfer, an official at the Wailing Wall standing next to her said: “The Yiddish is just about tolerable, but spit again and out you go.” Maesther replied: “There is still so much in my faith to learn.”

The former Boy Toy explained why she took the role. “I, too, am a mother; and while I have not lost a son, I’ve had my share of loss, just look at my record sales. So I said: ‘Esther, you think you’ve got problems? You can still act on cable–putz.'”

The movie begins at Camp Casey in Crawford with Madonna, as Sheehan, in a flashback recalling her early days struggling in New York City dance clubs during the 1980s. While this is more Madonna’s history than Sheehan’s, Madonna believes that “it’s integral to the plot that the viewer recall how I, as a Jew, suffered before my success in order to better identify with Ms. Sheehan.” When asked what the most difficult aspect of the role was, Madonna said: “Getting my breasts to sag. I may be 47, but they still think they’re 26. Luckily, we managed to get the same costume designer who did Harvey Korman’s Mrs. Marcus outfit on The Carol Burnett Show.”

Madonna refused to answer the question if the role of George Bush would be played by Harvey Keitel. She simply said: “Harvey’s a haimisher mensch