Arizona senator John McCain has dropped out of the Presidential race today claiming that he has no chance of winning and the election is already a “done deal”.
McCain stated that his support of the war, ignorance of technology, lack of compassion for the less fortunate and his own personal health issues have made him a poor candidate for the highest office in the land.
“I have no chance of winning”, McCain stated during an early afternoon press conference. “People know that I am out of touch with reality, know nothing about the internet, I don’t know what email is and I really don’t care to learn these things”.
McCain also stated that his rival, Illinois senator Barack Obama, is more likely to withdraw troops, clean up the economy and restore our nations dignity in the eyes of the world.
McCain’s sudden withdrawal and insight into his own ignorance has come as a shock to many of his supporters. Major money backers have withdrawn their support for the Republican senator and many have actually demanded a return of money they have already donated.
“That fricking bastard!” said 74-year-old casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson. “I donated a shipload of money to his campaign because he promised me more casinos! I want my money back!”
John D. Eckstein, McCain’s personal physician, said that the senator is in frail health and would probably not survive even one term in office.
“I explained this to John”, Eckstein said. “I am glad he’s following my advice to remove himself from the race”.
McCain’s daughter Megan was noticeably upset over her fathers withdrawal from the race.
“I’ve been sleeping with guys to get you elected you crippled bastard!” she was allegedly heard screaming from her fathers house.