McCain Says If His Grandmother Was Alive, She'd Be Sick Too.

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, who for weeks now has been trying to stem the growing tide of support for his Democratic rival, Barack Obama, now has one more hurdle to face- America’s sympathy for his opponent. Reports are that the Illinois Senator’s grandmother is gravely ill in Hawaii and Mr. Obama has flown there to visit with her for what sadly may be the last time. Admitting that he was too old for any of his progenitors (how many times do you get to use that word in a sentence?) to still be alive enough to be dying, Mr. McCain averred that if one were, however, he’d be flying to see them, “As fast as I flew to Washington for that money crisis thing.”

Reports are that Mr. Obama’s grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, has been “inundated” with phone calls, email messages and flowers from well wishers across the country. Mrs. Dunham recently fell and broke her hip, which has apparently aggravated other existing health problems. This has caused Republican strategists to worry that Senator Obama may get a “Toot Bump” in the polls just weeks from the Nov. 4th elections.

Unnamed McCain campaign spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “On top of everything else, all the major newspaper endorsements, Colin Powell and Sarah Palin’s uh, wardrobe malfunction, we didn’t think this week could get any worse, but it just did. Who would’ve have thought that people would care about sick old grandmothers? We certainly didn’t. Senator McCain would have preferred to focus on the real issues facing America, like Bill Ayers, Rev. Wright and the fact that Obama might be a closet Muslim.”

While no one actually thinks that anyone would change their vote to Senator Obama based on sympathy, especially since, if the polls are correct, it seems that everyone has already changed their votes to him for a million other reasons, the last thing the McCain campaign needs is their opponent getting any more press.

Continuing to speak on the condition that if Barack Obama wins in November people forget the fact that he had anything to do with that loser, McCain, Waterhouse said, “Of course we wish Mrs. Dunham well. In fact, you can’t believe how much we want her to just get better so we can get her out of the news. Jesus. This hasn’t been an easy time for anyone, including John McCain…actually, especially John McCain. But to paraphrase my old buddy Don Rumsfeld, you campaign with the candidate you have, not the candidate you wanted.”

(Author’s Note: In spite of the cruel nature of this article and our callus use of an old woman’s illness just to make fun of John McCain, we here at Unconfirmed Sources do wish her well. And we certainly hope to avoid Eternal Damnation for it, if at all possible.)