McCain Seeks to Repeal First Amendment

Aspiring presidential candidate and Arizona senator John McCain stated today the First Amendment to the Constitution has become antiquated and should be repealed in favor of a more socially-acceptable and child-friendly amendment.

The amendment currently reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

McCain suggests the Amendment should read: “Be a good Christian, keep your mouth shut and don’t make waves”.”People have been using the First Amendment to justify dancing naked on counter tops or showing off their naked asses in public!” McCain stated. “The current administration has done a fine job of eliminating freedom of speech and of the press. We have virtually eliminated the right of the people to peaceably assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. But we need to go that extra step. Our country was founded on Christian values.”

McCain went on the explain that the country has become overrun with Buddhists, Muslims, and – most notably – Jews. This is in direct contradiction to the wishes of our country’s founding fathers.

“Back in 1776 there were no Jews and everyone was a Christian”, McCain continued. “I simply want to restore the Constitution to the intent of the founders”.

McCain later said that he has no immediate plans to eliminate or change any of the other Amendments except, possibly, the 19th which guarantees women the right to vote.

“The Constitution specifically states that all men are created equal. It says nothing about women”, McCain stated.