McCain Vows to Eliminate Privacy to Control Crime and Terrorism


Arizona senator John McCain stated during a press conference today that he will seek to ensure that Americans and other people of the world no will no longer have any privacy or be exempt from government searches.

“We are under the constant threat of being attacked by terrorists and other types of criminals”, McCain said. “In order to protect ourselves and our loved ones, we need to ensure that we have no secrets from each other, our friends and neighbors and the United States Government”.

McCain explained that so long as we are living healthy, moral, Christian lives we will not have the need for privacy.

“Privacy”, he went on, “is for people who are trying to hide things. Privacy is what the cheating businessman wants to hide the affair from his wife. Privacy is what the tax cheat wants to hide his income. It’s what criminals want to cover up there nefarious deeds. If we eliminate privacy we will also eliminate crime!”

McCain claims that through government phone wiretaps, random drug testing, covert computer searches, email and web site monitoring we can reduce crime by up to 99%.

“Very few criminals ever commit a deed and don’t talk to anyone about it”, McCain told the news media. “If we know what all Americans are talking about at all times we will once again have a nation where we can walk down the streets unafraid or leave home without locking our doors”.

Not everyone agreed with McCain’s plan. “I don’t want the fricking government to know who I’ve been banging or what I’ve been smoking!” said married Wallingford, NY businessman and Church deacon Joseph Tardyon.

“Does this mean that everyone I know will know I masturbate?” asked Buford, TX librarian Emily Kronos.

McCain assured Ms Kronos that the government would not reveal her masturbation secrets unless it was in the interests of national security.

Some members of the American Civil Liberties Union claim that privacy is guaranteed under the US Constitution. McCain dismissed those claims.

“The Constitution assured us life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, McCain said. “It says nothing about privacy”.