McDonald's To Open In Baghdad By Summer 2006

(Baghdad–Iraq) Iraq has come of consumer culture age in 2006. Forget the elections. Forget the newly planted seeds of a semi-totalitarian theocracy. At a ground breaking ceremony Wednesday, Secretaries of Defense and State Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice, along with a Ronald McDonald clown, will turn over the first three shovels of dirt for what is to be the first McDonald’s in Baghdad. Secretary Rumsfeld proclaimed: “It’s our new program, McGuns & McButter.”

The Golden Arches were the winning bidder over competing chains Wendy’s and Burger King. Secretary Rice stated that “Wendy’s bid was quite aggressive, but in the end the chain couldn’t adapt to the cultural changes necessary to make the venture viable.” Sources close to the negotiation claim talks stalled because Little Wendy refused to don the traditional berka. Repeated calls to Wendy’s have not been returned.

However, McDonald’s has aggressively retooled their Iraq franchise “to satisfy the tastes, both cultural and cuisine, of its new market.” According to a press release, this will include new promotions. “Imagine a smiling Ronald, but holding that smiling head in his hands. Our Buy Two Big Macs And Get A Free Ronald McDonald Hostage Doll giveaway (with detachable head for mock execution) will provide insurgents of all ages hours of fun.”

The familiar McDonald’s children’s play area will also be “culturally aware of our new customers. Before kids can take off their shoes and pummel a brightly colored fiberglass head of Saddam Hussein, they first have to make it through McMineField. It teaches teamwork and coordination. But no harm if uncertain, little feet step on little mines. Each spring loaded mine catapults up at only 60lbs. p.s.i., just enough to toss the average 60 pound Freedom Fighter ten feet in the air. Not only will he live to fight another day, he’ll also get a free Coke.”

The initial McDonald’s is to be completed by mid summer, with three more to follow by next year. Both Ronald and Donald were optimistic about the plan but tempered their optimism. Rumsfeld added: “That is if we can train enough Iraqis to work the shake and fri-o-later machines to relieve our U.S. forces. But I will say this. We will immediately be delivering outside of The Green Zone.”

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