Merck and Philip Morris To Merge

(Wilmington–DE) At a joint press conference today, pharmaceutical giant Merck and tobacco tower Philip Morris announced that they will merge. The union became destined when both companies realized that “our products kill people,” said Merck CEO Raymond Gilmartin.

It’s a synergy that has long been anticipated according to former disgraced stock analyst turned over-paid internet scribe Henry Blodgett. “I was for it since ’98. Unfortunately, you’ll have to take my word on it because I shredded