"Merry Christmas! Or We'll Give It To You In The Neck!"

Unconfirmed Sources report that Christian enforcers are hitting the streets and malls in huge numbers this holiday season. Emboldened by the recent victory of George W. Bush the Christian right has dispatched its toughs to keep secular retailers in line. Christian soldiers are leaning on local and national retailers to make sure the focus of this season is Christ and not wanton consumerism.

“We’re putting the Christ back in Christmas, buddy, whether you like it or not.” Said one Christen tough guy at the local mall. “You see, we are going to all the stores and seeing how the workers greet us. If they say Merry Christmas, then everybody is happy. If they say Happy Holidays, Season’s Greetings or Happy Festivus, then we got ourselves a little problem. We then give these big dummies a reminder, just a little something so they remember Christ in the King, if you know what I mean.”

Federal law enforcement agencies are aware of the campaign to reminded stores owners of the true nature of Christmas, but have not investigated any of the hundreds of reports of intimidation. “It’s like this.” Said an FBI official who wished to remain anonymous. “If a couple of stores get windows broken because they are open on Sunday, who are we to step in. We can’t say ‘it’s ok to open on the Sabbath’, that’s a religious matter. We believe in the strict separation of church and state.”

“America has become a hive of Hell bound wanton consumerists.” Thundered Reverend Patrick Wooden, of Raleigh North Carolina. “The American people have forgotten the meaning of Christmas and it is our God given mission to help remind them. We will do what ever it takes to rekindle he sanctity of Christmas, if that means breaking a few store windows or beating a couple of store clerks then so be it. We are battling for the soul of American here. We can’t be timid. We must be strong to stamp out consumerism and competing holiday traditions, while we are at it.”

At The White House the news that people are encouraging others to remember the true spirit of Christmas has been greeted with pleasure. In a statement given to reporters the President announced a bold policy on the matter. “As a Christian I applaud the spreading of the word of Christ and have decided to launch an entire federal bureaucracy charged with the safeguarding of the right of Christians to force their religious beliefs on everyone else. We are going to have Merry Christmases around here, and don’t you forget it.”