Mice and Rabbits Living Longer, Healthier Lives

Thanks to advances in medicine, mice and rabbits are now free from cancer, heart disease and other illnesses and are now living longer, healthier and more productive lives, according to researchers from the nation’s top pharmaceutical companies.

“We have managed to develop a vaccine that will specifically kill cancer cells while leaving healthy cells alone”, said David Kern of Jennerex Biotherapeutics, San Francisco, CA. “This is a remarkable breakthrough! We have added years to the lives of mice and rabbits!”

Kern says his company’s research is based on the development of a new virotherapuetic with anti-tumor effects but is only effective in mice and rabbits. Kern says that because of different physiologies this means nothing to humans but is a blessing to mice and rabbits all over the world.

“We suspect our new treatments will soon be applicable to rats, hamsters and other types of vermin”, Kern stated.

Meanwhile, at Glaxo Smith Kline, researchers have found stem cell treatments that will mean the end to heart and liver disease in mice and rabbits.

“Our stem cell treatments have been able to restore poorly functioning hearts, lungs, kidneys and livers in both mice and rabbits”, said Professor Ralph Alixir of Glaxo Smith Kline. “We don’t see any possible use for it in humans because stem cell research is all but outlawed for humans but this has proven to be a joyous celebration for the rodent community”.

Also, Forest Pharmaceuticals has developed a drug that will cure Alzheimer’s disease in both mice and rabbits. Clinical trials of their as-yet-unnamed drug prove that elderly rabbits and mice suffering from the symptoms of Alzheimer’s have regained their youthful memories and are able to navigate mazes as fast or faster than their youthful counterparts. Due to FDA regulatory laws, human testing won’t begin until 2065.

U.S. President George W. Bush praised the medical profession and encouraged companies to continue working with the rodents but warned anyone trying to do the same to humans will be imprisoned.