Michael "MySpace" Jackson? George Bush Goes Nuclear. And Britney Spears Does More Than Belch.

(New York-NY) It’s official. MySpace.com is the number one Internet destination, claming 4.6 of all Internet traffic. It unseated Yahoo. Today, Yahoo issued this statement. “We congratulate MySpace.com. But, let’s face it. If you discount pedophiles, the number drops to 1.2%. Phone calls to Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones and the Vatican have yet to be returned.

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(Washington, D.C.) Months after shooting Harry Whittington, Dick Cheney again maintained that he was truly sorry. However, Cheney was unable to respond to why the following image was found on his myspace.com profile.

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(Washington, D.C.) President Bush continues to warn Iran that if it refuses to cease its nuclear program there will be dire consequences. However, Bush then retracted the statement, saying he confused nuculear with nuclear and that all further discussions would be halted until he finds out which one is “the one where you glow after the bomb drops.”

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(Portland-Oregon) The 33-year old man who tried to commit suicide several months ago by shooting nails into his using a nail gun is once again in the news. The man was arrested this week after he attempted to rob a North Fork Bank with a staple gun. The man claims that no charges should be filed, however, because he “meant no harm to anyone. The staple gun wasn’t loaded.”

(Los Angeles-CA) Mom of the Year Britney Spears isn’t letting an expanding uterus slow her down. She’s preparing to go back into the recording studio to collaborate with husband, Kevin Federline. Says the Plump Mom, “I’m so proud of Kevin. He’s been working so hard on his album, and now I’m going to help.” Reports of Spears hiring another Nanny to take up the slack of her not being around to drop her children or drive with them on her lap have yet to be confirmed.

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(Tel-Aviv-Israel) Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert once again distinguished Israel’s attack on Hezbollah sites in Lebanon from the Muslim extremists’ attacks on Israel. Said Olmert, “Look, it comes down to this. Hezbollah attacks us for no reason. When we attack Hezbollah, we have a reason. Plus, being Jews we feel really guilty about it after. We may attack more. But it’s because we care more.”

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