Mitt Romney Admits to Masturbating


Devout Mormon and GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney admitted today that he “experimented” once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation” Romney explained to reporters. “I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t ejaculate and I would never do it again”.

Romney explained that his youthful indiscretion may interfere with his admittance to Heaven but it would have no impact on him fulfilling his responsibilities as President.

“I am opposed to young people masturbating or having homosexual sex”, Romney declared. “If God wanted men to masturbate or have sex with guys he wouldn’t have made women. He made Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve”.

According to sources, the Mormon faith forbids masturbating and any type of homosexual or prurient thought.

“I am opposed to sex of any kind” Romney continued. “Sex should be exclusively for producing children. I have five children. I have had sex five times. Though I will not suggest any legislation to restricting sex between two consulting adults provided they are a man and a woman. I will leave that up to the Wrath of God”.

Romney says he still has “moments of guilt” when he reflects back on his masturbatory experience. “I knew God would be angry so I decided on a career on politics so I would look like a saint in relation to my peers. I’m hoping God will forgive me”.

God might but will the voters in November?