Claiming that players who eat meat have an advantage over those who do not, Major League Baseball (MLB) has banned the use of meat by all players.
“That means no more chicken, beef, pork, any kind of poultry, bison,buffalo, ostrich, emu, alligator or even squirrel. From now on all diets must be vegan”, said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.
Selig explained that meat is high in protein and is instrumental in the production of testosterone. This provides carnivorous players with an unfair advantage over vegan players.
“We must treat all players equally”, Selig explained. “Our vegan players complain they can’t develop the muscle mass needed to swing the bat effectively. therefore we must eliminate meat and meat products from the ballplayer’s diet”.
Selig said all players will be tested weekly for signs of meat consumption and any player who tests positive will be suspended for 5 games.
“That goes for fish too!” Selig exclaimed.
Not all players favored the new ruling. “I’ve been eating meat and fish my whole life,” complained Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett. “If I don’t eat meat I’ll become weak and frail!”
Selig argued that there are plenty of nutritious meat substitutes available at grocers such as Whole Foods.
“Yea but that stuff tastes like shit!” Beckett complained.
“When you make $20 million a year you should eat shit!” Selig countered.
Selig also said the league may next ban sugar.