More Good News From Iraq: American Torture Chambers Much Better than Saddam's

Unconfirmed sources report that a recent study by the Red Crescent found that American torture chambers are much better than those run by Saddam Hussein before the second Iraq war. The study conducted in Iraq found American torture chambers were “much more comfortable” than Iraqi prewar chambers. The study also found that American chambers were “clean enough to eat off the floor”.

“I’m not surprised.” Says Red Cross torture expert Hans Bruckmeyer. “The Americans have always been good at covert operations, it shouldn’t surprise anybody that they would make a good torture chamber. I’ve toured many torture facilities and found that America’s CIA has been able to put together a very pleasant work environment for it’s agents and guests.”

“It doesn’t take much to make a nice and inviting work place, no matter what the work is.” Says interior designer Barry Wood, of the popular television program Trading Spaces. “I prefer subdued general lighting with bright task lighting to delineate specific work areas. Soft muted colors on the walls of a work room can make the most onerous tasks a pleasure to do. I also recommend sturdy tile floors with many drains to make clean up with a hose quick and easy.”

The Abu Grab prison and torture complex has been turned into a state of the art facility by the CIA. It’s work areas and guest accommodations are a model for torture chambers the world over.

Mohammad Jones(not his real name) has worked in Abu Grab prison under Saddam and the Americans and says that things have really changed there. “Before the Americans came we were sloppy shoddy torturers and the prison was a mess. We were very inefficient. We thought we were doing ok, but the Americans have really taught us how to do it properly. The CIA methods for bulk torture and abuse has really upped our capacity. We can now effectively torture over two hundred terrorists a week and not have to work over time. Is great.”

The full contents of the report can be found at the Red Crescents web site and on the CIA’s own Torture Outreach web site.