(Salt Lake City) In a dramatic turnaround to it usual policies, the Salt Lake City based Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS) announced today that it will now embrace gay and lesbian marriages and will preach acceptance, love and understanding among all human beings without discrimination based on sexual preference.
LDS Presiding Bishop H. David Burton claims after carefully reviewing the Scriptures determined that the church was mistaken in its former views. He stated that neither the Bible nor LDS founder Joseph Smith ever said anything negative about homosexuality.
“There were some references in the Bible that Noah was gay”, Burton claimed. “But nobody ever said there was anything wrong with that”.
Burton also stated that many of Jesus’ disciples may have been a little ‘light in the loafers’.
“Or, given the time, a bit light in the sandals”, Burton said with a hearty laugh.
Burton pointed out that among Jesus 12 disciples, none of them were married, an unusual thing for grown men in the time period. Nor did any of them have girlfriends.
“If the disciples of Christ can be gay then, by golly, we can ALL be gay!” the Bishop exclaimed.
The Bishop also stated that it is now OK for LDS members to remove themselves ‘from the closet’ and were free to wed any member of either gender.
Not all LDS members greeted the change to church policy so favorably. 88 year old church elder Jeffrey Hollandaise stated, “we don’t need no limp wristed queers or hairy assed dikes soiling the name of the church!”
Though no dates have been set for the first gay Mormon marriages, Burton assured all those in attendance that the first nuptials would be “fabulous” and ordered “stunning new matching drapes” for several of the LDS churches and halls.