CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (UCS News) — America’s space agency has been shaken by two startling reports: One involved claims that astronauts were stone drunk while flying. In the other report Nasa confirmed that computers slated for delivery to the international space station were left behind to make room for beer in the Shuttles cargo bay.
“It’s going to shake up the world, I’ll tell you that,” retired NASA executive Seymour Himmel said of the latest news. According to Himmel the drunken flight crew stuffed the Shuttle cargo bay with no less than 147 cases of Bud Lite the night before lift off.
European space agency officials later confirmed the international space station had hosted several “raging keggers” when docked with the Shuttle and Soyuz space capsules. The admission also explains the clouds of urine and aluminum cans trailing the ISS. Soyuz crews often complained the debris were becoming a hazard to navigation when docking at the station.
A NASA official confirmed the Captain of a recent mission failed a sobriety test but was allowed to fly after having a cold shower and a cup of coffee. Another crew member was later pulled over on the main runway at Edwards Airforce base and issued a DUI after blowing .16 on the tarmac. The official asked that his name not be used because NASA will discuss the health report on Friday.
The independent panel also found “heavy use of alcohol” before launch “is mostly likely due to the fear of dying in a massive fireball upon takeoff or landing.”