Nation Goes on High Alert Condition

Colorado Springs, CO (Claw News Services – Jim Gammon reporting) – In a rare move of efficiency, yesterday, President Bush elevated the country’s alert status to DubCon 4. The administration cancelled the President’s planned visit to Texas yesterday to survey and supervise FEMA’s preparations for Hurricane Rita, and instead headed for the NorthComm mountain bunker system in Colorado. There they are to monitor progress of the hurricane as well as unfolding events with anti-war protests in Washington, DC. The DOD will be simultaneously conducting exercises with new non-lethal technologies involving crowd control which have been reputed to be successful in Iraq.

Donald Rumsfeld explained, “This system involves a combination of low frequency sound and microwaves. The target first begins to feel a pain and pressure behind the eyes, as if they are being pushed inwards. If the target does not then quit the area of conflict, this progresses to severe, incapacitating headache with nausea and vomiting. It’s damn impressive Buck Rogers stuff! We press a button here, the target, or targets there look for all the world like they’ve developed food poisoning or sun-stroke.”

The remainder of the exercise, dubbed “Operation Strangerove” involves mobilizing and relocating the administration in case of a catastrophic attack, nuclear, biologic, or otherwise. Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated,” We admittedly were kind of caught with our pants down with hurricane Katrina. We felt it was time to take out some of those old scenario playbooks and dust off the cobwebs. Some of the directives haven’t been reviewed since the Reagan cold war era. Everyone has been really co-operative, I must say, despite trying to figure out the reasoning behind some of the directives.”

Mr. McClellan continued, “Kudos especially, to Brooke Shields. She has been a real trooper! We’ve all been trying to figure out the importance of having her transported to the bunker, but, no clue. We showed up at her residence, and although she was a little puzzled at first, she’s cooperated and played right along.”

Operation Strangerove is scheduled to continue throughout the weekend, along with oversight and management of the impending Hurricane Rita disaster. Mr. McClellan stated that the President may make a brief exit late Sunday to survey possible damage to his own residence in Crawford, Texas. “The bottom line,” Mr. McClellan stated, “is that America sees her President in command and working hard to see that resources are not wasted in crisis.”

As a side note, the name for “Operation Strangerove” appears to have been inspired by the 1964 Stanley Kubrick film, “Dr. Strangelove”. The film was a landmark in Kubrick’s career, largely making fun of the fears of nuclear war at the time. Some say that this societal fear has been resurrected for “The War on Terror”, but the Bush administration has hotly refuted any parallels along these lines, as well as those to the Vietnam war.

The late George C. Scott from a scene in Dr Strangelove

The late Slim Pickens in a classic role

Dr. Strangelove as portrayed by the late Peter Sellers