New Attorney General Alberto Gonzales Promises to Investigate Himself and George W. Bush!

Unconfirmed sources report that Bush’s new Attorney General has promised to get tough on the abuses of the power perpetrated by the current administration. Alberto Gonzales, former White House Counsel, will replace the much beloved John Ashcroft who is leaving the administration to pursue a musical career. Gonzales has promised The President that he will begin his term by investigating himself and many other members of the Bush administration.

Gonzales spoke with reporters soon after being picked by The President. “I’ll tell you what, I came here from Texas to kick a little Washington butt and I’m just getting started. There have been a lot of fishy things going on in this White House and I intend to waste no time bringing these scofflaws to heal. If I am confirmed as Attorney General my first act will be to launch an investigation of myself. As The Presidents lawyer I have seen some bad stuff and intend to get to the bottom of what I’ve been up to.”

Gonzales when on to explain how he will carefully examine the President’s role in such scandals as Halliburton over billing, leaking of CIA operatives names, Enron energy trading, WMD intelligence failures, Harken Energy insider trading, his National Guard service, the Abu Ghraib abuse, 9-11 intelligence failures, his old cocaine habit, his marital infidelities, his drunk driving conviction, his brother’s failed S&L, the exploding budget and several other scandals to small to mention.

“Gonzales is a great choice.” Says political sooth sayer Andrew Sullivan. “Considering the complex web of double speak, lies, and secrecy surrounding The President it is going to take a true insider to really get at the truth. Gonzales has just the right mix of moral relativism and doggedness to do the job. I’m expecting some very serious scandals out of this White House and I think The Presidents long time friend and close ally will do right by the country and expose the Bush regimes criminality.”

“Alberto is just the kind of guy the Attorney General Office is going to need during the war on terror.” Explained Nadine Strossen, President of the ACLU. “Gonzales is the kind of guy who is going to make America safer. He has got some great experience in drafting laws that will protect the rights and lives of Americans. He wrote the order that terror suspects can be secretly charged, tried, and executed without due process protections. He also provided the legal basis for President Bush’s decision to deny protections of the Geneva Conventions to persons picked up during the war on terror and the brief proving The President has “commander-in-chief authority” to order torture. He holds just the right amount of skepticism of the Bill of Rights to be a great Bush administration Attorney General.”

Alberto Gonzales has some big shoes to fill following John Ashcroft, but if past performance and loyalties are any indication he is going to do just fine.