Americans awoke yesterday morning to the news that United States President George W. Bush had secretly traveled to Iraq the day before, spending five hours on the ground, speaking face to face to recently elected Prime Minister Alawi and various other ministers and Iraqi officials. During the flying visit Mr. Bush also spent some time with American troops serving in the war-torn country. The trip came as a surprise to Americans, and the White House has presented it was a carefully planned visit that was kept secret for security concerns. However, new reasons for the visit and it’s timing are coming to light.
When asked about the trip and it’s planning, newly named Unnamed White House Source Jellico Ashby (Jelly Ash) Nudder, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “On Sunday morning the President and Laura Bush were at Camp David, trying to de-compress from the Norwegian Prime Ministers visit. Man, that guy is intense. Anyway, Laura decided that she wanted to cook the dinner herself, you know, do the whole housewife trip. She decided she wanted to roast a turkey for some reason. I swear, who knows what goes on in that woman’s head?
“Anyway, she asked the President to help and the next thing you know he dropped the bird, went to pick it up and got his foot right into that hole in the back of the bird where you put the stuffing in. He shook his foot to get it off and it flew up and hit Laura in the face. Chipped a cap on her front tooth, too. Anyway, Laura got pissed and went after him with one of those needle things you use to truss up the bird and I tell you, George was outta there, hot footing to Air Force One as fast as his little cowboy boots could carry him. I was right behind him, running interference and getting stuck in the butt with that stupi needle and the next thing I know we’re scrambling up the plane’s steps and Bush is screaming at the pilot, ‘ Fly! Fly the goddamn plane!’ with Laura outside throwing sweet potatoes at the cockpit.
“The pilot thought we were under attack, which we kinda were, and was yelling, ‘Where? Fly where?’ and Bush yelling back, ‘Anywhere! Just fly the fucking plane!’ I tell you, it was great.”
As to how Mr. Bush ended up in Iraq of all places, Nudder continued, “Bush figured that Laura would chase him all the way to the White House or Crawford and that Iraq was the last place she’d look. So off we went. Poor Karl Rove. He’d been celebrating skating on the treason charge the night before and was using the planes toilet, trying get some peace and quiet till his hangover subsided and when he comes out he’s on his way to a war zone. He just flipped out. There we all were, trying to convince Bush that Iraq was too dangerous. ‘Dangerous?’ he asked, ‘You don’t know danger until you piss Laura off. She’s sure learned a lot from my mom. Talk about thugs and evil doers. I shoulda just sent her to get Zarqawi.’ So we were stuck spending the morning in Baghdad. Jesus Christ, what a fiasco.”
When asked if they were worried, Nudder, speaking on the condition that he never, ever does this shit again, responded, “Terrified. As we came into land, Karl’s screaming at the pilot, ‘Shut off the landing lights! Shut off the fucking landing lights! The pilot was blowing chaff like it was New Years Eve and Bush is sitting there with a parachute on by the door mumbling, ‘Better than Laura, better than Laura.’ and clutching a plastic Jesus. So we landed ok, spent a couple of hours eating bad food, chatting with a bunch of Iraqi’s and American troops that hate our guts and then got the hell outta there as fast as we could. Bush spent the entire flight on the phone trying to get Laura to forgive him.”