In the wake of their brief love affairs with Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and now Herman Cain, Conservatives and Tea Party activists across the United States have found a new candidate, one that promises (and may actually be able to deliver) a complete solution to not only America’s fiscal and environmental problems, but also the world’s as well. The initial candidate filing of former Unnamed Bush White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse had gone virtually unnoticed, given the raft of potential GOP presidential candidates, but his bold new plans for America are quickly gaining adherents in some of the most conservative circles.
Mr. Waterhouse’s run for the highest office in the land has to overcome only one major impediment- his insistence on speaking only on the condition of anonymity. But his bold ideas may just overcome that obstacle, whether he’ll admit he had them or not.
Speaking on the condition (of course) of anonymity, Waterhouse said, “Forget Herm Cain, Mitt Romney and Rick Perry. Forget the Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street…I’ve got the answer to all our problems! I mean it, my plan, which out of modesty I’m calling the Complete Solution, will enable America to once again be strong, eliminate…that’s right folks, entirely eliminate, not reduce…all taxes, slow population growth and if things go right, solve the global warming issue to boot. Under the Complete Solution even immigration won’t be an issue; in fact, we’ll be looking for new cannon fodder…uh, citizens, I mean. Everybody will have jobs and all the money they want, or at least all they can get. Here it is:
“First, we arm everyone. I mean, we give everyone a gun. Now, I know that sounds like a form of welfare, but you gotta break a few eggs to make a dead chicken. And it’s only three hundred million guns…hell, some of my friends, like Dick Cheney, have almost that many just lying around. But for the sake of argument, let’s say we gotta order all new ones. That will make companies like Ruger, Glock, Smith and Wesson…all the armaments companies…rich and cause hiring in the weapons sector to increase a thousand-fold.. Everybody gets a gun, but it’s gotta be an American made gun. No Chinese AK knock-offs. Okay, that’s part one.
Continuing to speak anonymously, Waterhouse, uh, continued, “Second, America invades everybody else. That includes our allies and neighbors like Canada, Mexico, all of Europe, the Koreas, Butte, Fiji. Everyone. But here’s the beauty part…we don’t invade for territory or power, we invade for one reason and one reason only- to loot. You see, we don’t pay our soldiers, we don’t send them food or clothing or anything else, just ammo. They have to fight for it all. But here’s the payback: they get to keep half of what they steal. The rest gets sent back to America to increase our wealth. No more taxes, only the spoils of war. Personally, I suggest attacking Vatican City first; there’s a lot of valuable stuff there and it looks like a pretty easy target. Plus, it’ll get the newbies used to it war well.
Being as anonymous as possible, Waterhouse went on, “Now, a lot of Americans will by necessity get killed, especially the older and out of shape ones, which by the way takes out the need for Social Security and healthcare reform, so that’s actually a good thing. Plus we won’t have to invest much in education; I mean, how much do you need to learn to pull the trigger on some Tibetan monk?
While this reporter started swallowing Xanax by the fist full, Waterhouse rambled on, “Anyway, pretty soon we’ll need more Americans to replace the fallen. Here’s where we solve the immigration problem. We’ll have to import fighting men and women; mercenaries, I think they’re called, as our own people go K.I.A. If they can contribute, and by that I mean loot, enough on our behalf, say, twenty thousand dollars per immigrant, they immediately become citizens as a reward. No more messy immigration problems, only the best and strongest, or at least the ones left alive, become Americans. And it’s also the answer to answer the whole language thing, we only issue “incoming fire” warnings in English. That’ll make foreign people learn American pretty darn quick, I’ll tell you.”
Now being so anonymous that even he didn’t know he was speaking, Waterhouse said, “Of course, countries like China and Russia may take issue with all this, or at least try to cut in on our action, so we may have to nuke em. But a good old fashioned nuclear winter will take care of global warming and as we’ve seen in Chernobyl, depopulating irradiated areas is really good for nature as a whole. No humans means more animals. (Author’s Note: Wow, this is really turning into something…I can’t believe I’m not even thinking about it as I write it). Of course, we don’t want America to get nuked, Texas excluded of course. Let’s face it, you can only take the concept of ‘America First’ so far, so we’ll have to pre-empt those countries by striking first, without warning. A Thursday after I’m sworn in would be good. Around five in the morning, local time. I know, I know, we’ll lose a lot of swag if we blow these guys up, but with great profit comes some sacrifice. But we can still rob all their banks since bank assets are just computer code anyway and their gold reserves should be shielded from the worst of the fall-out, once again sending half the take back to the government. That’s really only fair, especially if we’re supplying our people with the guns and ammo, and America is all about fairness.”
Finally, since I’ve beaten the ‘anonymous’ gag to death, Waterhouse concluded, “So there you are: forget Ron Paul’s one trillion in one year or Herman Cain’s “999” deal. With me as president, you get NO taxes, everybody has a job, or at least a mission, we don’t ever have to worry about taking care of old or sick people, overpopulation is gone forever, we don’t have to pay China back one red cent so the deficit is gone and everyone can be as rich as they want…as long as their aim is good. America will one again be respected, or at least feared, in the world and all our problems will be solved. Now, I know it may sound a bit extreme, especially to the peace crowd, but believe me, you put a gun in a Hippie’s hands, drop him in the middle of Nigeria with no food or water and he’ll get over that ‘Make Love, Not War’ ethos real damn quick. So, when you get in the voting booth, just pull the trigger for “Anonymous” and let’s get America back on track- tank tracks to be precise.”