New Pictures of Shiloh Cause Major Concern For Angelina Jolie

(Hollywood–CA) Photos posted on a Muslim extremist web site claming to be Angelina Jolie’s new baby, Shiloh, are causing quite a stir, not only because of the caption “Shiloh-Nouvel-Jolie-al-Zarqawi” but because the pictures bear more than a passing resemblance to the former Al-Qaeda in Iraq leader.

The photos are accompanied by text alleged to be from Al-Qaeda CEO, Osama-Bin-Laden. “Our fallen, Brother, praise him, has struck at the heart of the Infidel, impregnating the full-lipped one.” The “full-lipped one” is claimed to be Jolie. The statement goes on, “while we would normally not condone consorting with the unclean women of the Infidel, how can one not proclaim ‘Brother, you really tapped that?’ based on the full-lipped one’s ample bosoms alone?” Bin Laden further claims that he and al-Zarqawi spoke often of Jolie’s “buttocks”, that al-Zarqawi called “dream inspiring as an Afghan poppy field yet of the fertile earth as freshly picked dates.” Bin Laden alleges that Jolie met al-Zarqawi while researching her Mr. & Mrs. Smith role. “Praise to our cause that the full-lipped one was a method actor and that our fallen Brother proved irresistible to her in his Louis Viutton suicide belt.”

But the entire event might have been written off as an ill-advised psychological warfare maneuver if it weren’t for Jolie’s “full-lips” not immediately denying the accusation. The actress issued the following statement from her new publicist, Imam Aziz Bernstein. “I don’t feel the need to refute or validate this story. To those who know me, they know, yes, I am a method actor. I’m also an American and a citizen of the World. For those of you hearing this statement. That’s ‘world’ with a big W.”

Bin Laden’s statement went on to say that the “true pictures of the full-lipped one’s child will be sold on eBay to the highest bidder with all of the proceeds going to charity, as long as those charities are terrorist fronts.” When asked about the Jolie-al Zarqawi connection at his afternoon press conference, White House press secretary Tony Snow had this to say, “The Senate and House are divided on Iraq, Tom DeLay is being indicted on money laundering charges, David Safavian was just convicted on obstruction of justice, and you ask me about this? All I have to say on the matter is if Angelina Jolie’s buttocks is as juicy as freshly picked dates, and if the story is true, al-Zarqawi must have died with a smile on his face.”

In a related note, the choice for the next White House press secretary has yet to be announced.

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