New Smartphones Eliminate Need For Brain

The latest smartphones from Motorola, Google and Apple will eliminate the need for many human brain functions entirely, according to representatives from those companies.

Apple will, of course, be leading the industry when it introduces the iPhone 99X this summer. The 99X has a computer-brain interface which will eliminate the need to use our brains for anything but the most primitive and basic functions.

“You will still need your brain for breathing and motor control”, explained Apple Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian. “However, all your memories, thoughts, decisions and even creativity can be stored in the iPhone”.

Tevanian explained that the iPhone will be superior to the human brain in most aspects. It has greater computational power, crystal clear memory and makes decisions logically rather than on emotion.

Motorola Chief Technology Officer Dennis Roberson claims he has a prototype of the new Blackberry brain-computer interface gadget already implanted in his brain. “With our new device I now know everything”, he claimed. I can access the entire web just by thinking about it. I can perform complex mathematical equations at the rate of over 100 billion calculations per second”.

Seconds after making this statement Roberson suddenly jumped from his chair shouting “chicks don’t eat Dandelions!!!” He then sat back down in his chair calmly stating, “there’s still a few bugs to be worked out”.

Not to be outdone, Google is developing a smartphone that is superior to both Motorola’s and Apple’s. “Our phone will enable you to access any computer anywhere in the world, view any video from anywhere anytime and read anyone’s thoughts regardless of which device they are using”.

The United States Government will also have access to everyone’s smartphone. President Obama has praised the new Big Brother technology.