News Briefs: Thursday, February 24, 2005

Who’s Your Daddy:

Recent improved dating techniques applied to two skulls found nearly forty years ago have pushed back the age of modern humans by as much as fifty thousand years. the new date proves that all human life originated in Africa and emigrated from there to populate the planet, effectively making us all at least in some part of African ancestry. White Supremacist Groups celebrated the findings by burning crosses on their own front lawns and lynching themselves.

If It’s Tuesday This Must Be Belgium:

President George W. Bush’s fence mending trip to Europe is going swimmingly. Speaking to French President Jacques Chirac, Mr. Bush suggested that Mr. Chirac should visit him at his Texas ranch. ” I need a good cowboy,” joked the American President. Mr. Chirac, the leader of one of the most urbane countries in Europe, smiled politely at Mr. Bush’s attempt at humor then, when no one was looking, spit on his shoes. Mr. Bush is in Europe to beg once again for NATO help in Iraq. This time however, the White House is ready to offer concessions: the President is prepared to say whatever he needs to in order to secure foreign aid while continuing to do whatever he wants, such as threaten to lay a Liberation on Iran.

With Friends Like This…:

President Bush, in an effort to thank the Military for it’s service in Iraq and Afghanistan has decided to slash Veterans Healthcare Benefits by 900 million dollars and Housing Benefits by $50 million. The President believes that the way to show his appreciation for the Armed Services’ efforts is to show them that he is streamlining government by reducing their ability to get adequate or timely medical care or find a decent place to live. Congressional lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, concerned that the White House’s generosity has gone too far, are attempting to forestall the cuts with frivolous proposals to increase Veterans death benefits and Active Duty soldiers salaries.

Getting Flipped The Bird:

Concern over a possible Avian Flu epidemic is growing, with health experts urging countries throughout the world to stock up on vaccines to help combat the illness. An experimental vaccine is reportedly being tested now, but I’m sticking with the old tried and true remedy for the flu…chicken soup.