Beijing — An undisclosed news producer with a major U.S. news network is being held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, according to a heavily redacted document released by the Pentagon under the Freedom of Information Act. The producer is being charged with “willful and malicious failure to cover the U.S. men’s Olympic Swim Team.”
“Clearly, this was not only unpatriotic, this was treasonous,” said Attorney General Michael Mukasey, noting that an analysis of one hour of the network’s programming revealed 12 minutes spent on the conflict in Georgia, 30 minutes spent on commercials, 10 minutes on election politics, eight minutes on Taliban resistance fighters and “an unconscionable zero” minutes on the U.S. men’s swim team.
This contrasts sharply with NBC, which has tirelessly replayed video of well-sculpted, bellowing swim hunks reveling poolside before, during and after the United State’s unprecedented string of medal conquests. After the 4×100-meter relay race, which the U.S. team won in dramatic comeback fashion over France, the male announcer covering the event for NBC spontaneously changed gender in a rare autonomic response to the shrill, schoolgirl-like pantomimes and shrieks he was emitting in homage to the photo finish. He was listed in stable condition in a Beijing clinic and planned to return to the Games in time to propose to Michael Phelps, the anchor of the men’s team.
Mukasey made it clear that this type of fawning coverage is the standard by which the undisclosed network