Non-Cancerous Moles Removed From President's Face, But Protests Continue

Doctors are reporting that several moles removed from the face of United States President George W. Bush are non-cancerous. The moles, small mammals that are known mostly in two types: the eastern mole and the star-nosed mole, were first discovered on Mr. Bush one morning several weeks ago; reportedly, it was First Lady Laura Bush’s screaming early one morning as she awoke to find them on her husband’s face. Since then, whenever Mr. Bush has appeared in public, he has been wearing heavier makeup than usual to cover up the disfiguring little beasts.

Newly renamed former Unnamed White House Source Wegman ( Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “I gotta tell you, it was pretty disgusting. Sitting in the Oval Office, listening to him (Bush) drone on and on about how nobody loves him anymore and trying not to stare at those freaky little things with those weird mouths…ugh. You try and fight a war that way. All of the generals were nauseous half the time and were just agreeing with every stupid suggestion that the President made just to get the hell out of the room. Maybe, now that they’re finally gone, we can get Iraq back on track by invading Iran.”

It is theorized that President Bush first contracted the moles during a stay at his Crawford, Texas ranch, as moles are quite common to that region. As to how the little critters managed to attach themselves to Mr. Bush’s right temple, Secret Service agents have postulated that it occurred during one of the President’s many bike rides. Apparently, Mr. Bush fell over several agents while trying to eat barbequed ribs as he rode, the resultant fall planted his face in the Texas dust, stunning several moles who were burrowing near the surface and causing them to latch on to his face in fear. This reporter at least can understand; can you imagine George W. Bush’s face flying towards you, smeared with BBQ sauce, at top speed? The mind boggles.

Animal rights groups such as PETA are criticizing doctors decision to kill and preserve the moles for the National Museum of Health and Medicine’s collection in Washington, D.C., where they will join former President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s gall stones and pieces of Abraham Lincoln’s skull and hair as well as McKinley’s vertebrae. Instead, they suggest that the moles be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, as they are now free of the President.