Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell today accused the North Korean government of having No Dongs. “We’ve known for some time that Kim was developing a Dong that could reach across the Pacific Ocean. He thinks that threatening the United States will improve his negotiating position, but we’re not about to let a bunch of Korean No Dongs determine our foreign policy,” he told the UN Security Council on Wednesday.
In response to these charges by the Bush administration, Hans Blix of the IAEA said that the claim that the North Koreans could get their Dongs operational in 45 minutes was an exaggeration, and that in any case the Dongs would be impossible to hide. “The US would have a hundred photos of their Dongs before they could even get them up,” he insisted. He furthermore stated that, although Pyongyang had recently deployed a number of Dongs, they were now cooperating with the UN timetable to withdraw all their Dongs over the next six months.
While the Dong is classified as a conventional weapon, it can be refitted as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. When fully deployed, Korean Dongs are capable of delivering a twenty megaton load. Concern is being expressed by the administration, however, over the prospect of the Dongs falling into the wrong hands. “The North Koreans have not demonstrated the capacity to handle their Dongs responsibly,” said anonymous White House official Pudgy Waterhouse. “If the leadership thinks it’s acceptable behavior to wave their Dongs around whenever they crave attention, how likely is it that they are taking sufficient security measures to ensure that terrorists or rogue elements don’t get their hands on them?”
Blix, furthermore, insisted that it was next to impossible for the Koreans to place a Dong within US airspace, and that even if Kim were crazy enough to try to penetrate a back door in US defenses, the Dong would be detected by missile defense technology newly deployed in Alaska and rendered incapable of delivering its payload. The CIA, however, is concerned that an extremist anti-American faction in possession of a nuclear tipped Dong might use it even less responsibly than Pyongyang. If a rogue Dong did achieve its target from Korean soil, US defenses would assume an attack by North Korea and launch a counterattack immediately, incinerating Pyongyang. While acknowledging the terrible injustice of launching a retaliatory strike against the wrong target, Mr Waterhouse insisted it could not be prevented. “Currently there’s no paternity test for Korean Dongs,” he quipped. He went on to confirm Powell’s charge that the Koreans had developed No Dongs. “Beyond that,” he added, “the White House has no intelligence.”