North Korean Missile Barrage Falls Silent, Charismatic Leader Slim Jong Il Missing


Seoul, South Korea (APE) – After a day of missile testing which saw a total of anywhere from seven to ten launches, depending upon accounts, Pyongyang has become suddenly silent amidst rumors that it’s charismatic leader “Slim” Jong Il has gone missing. Formerly known as Kim Jong Il, he had recently given himself a state sanctioned name change to “Slim” after reportedly dieting and losing over 30 pounds through force of will alone. Rumors soared throughout Asia that Slim had surreptitiously boarded the last missile fired yesterday, the vaunted “Dung Ho” missile which is reportedly capable of reaching the continental United States. North Korean officials refused to comment on the allegations.

Authorities on North Korea have speculated that the barrage of missile launches may have been timed to coincide with America’s Fourth of July festivities yesterday. Slim Jong Il, long a bitter enemy of the United States, is conversely noted for his love and appreciation for many things American including Whiskey and Cinema. He currently presides over a decades old multi-generational repressive regime in North Korea.

Unconfirmed eyewitness reports smuggled out from Pyongyang suggest that the dictator for life may have been attempting a defection to the United States. He reportedly addressed each flight engineer and technician by name, thanking them and smiling as he clambered aboard the Dung Ho. North Korean authorities vehemently denied the stories, stating that Slim would likely issue a statement regarding plans for future missile tests later in the day.

Bush Administration officials refused to comment or speculate until further information became available. In another possibly related development, the US State Department acknowledged that former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has apparently inexplicably disappeared overnight.