Obama Signs Hate Crimes Bill

President Barack Obama signed into law a bill that would make it a federal crime for assaulting a person because of his or her sexual orientation. Other types of ‘friendly’ assaults will still be left in the hands of the state.

Many conservative Christian groups were assured that the new law will not criminalize people for assaulting abortion providers and liberals. The law will also not apply to controversial racial or religious beliefs.

Not everyone was supportive of the new law. “I think the new law stinks”, said Ashland, Alabama resident Joe Hicks. “If we can’t beat ’em up fer bein gay then we have to find some other reason to beat ’em up.”

Obama stated, “from now on we will eliminate hate crimes from this country and we will only allow friendly, moral types of assault”.

Openly gay construction worker Jim Bender stated, “I’m glad this law has passed. I’m sick of getting beaten up at work”.

Obama has also called for the repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of the US Military saying “from now on we will ask gay men and women to share showers and bunk beds with both straight and gay partners without fear”.