Unconfirmedsources report the Bush administration has announced its’ long awaited October Surprise! President George W. Bush has admitted to the American people that the war in Iraq never happened. The war in Iraq was really a cleverly planned election year strategy to unite the country behind The President. The Bush campaign decided to admit the war was imaginary after watching The Presidents numbers drop like a stone in early October.
“I think the President should see a strong rebound now that we have put the war behind us.” Said White House hatchet man Karl Rove. “I’m pretty disappointed in the American people for not rallying around The President during war time. As matter of fact, people who don’t support The President make me sick.”
The President and his henchmen gathered in the rose garden before the national media to tell the American people about the war. They took turns explaining to a relieved country that the war never was.
“We had some real good planning.” Said White House spokesmen Ben Lion. “It was hard work, very hard work, but we made good progress. Hard work.”
Other White House staffers confirmed that the bombing films and photos were all old army surplus, left over from the First Gulf war. The shock and awe attack on Baghdad, that was filmed outside Reno in the Black Rock desert.
“The events were expertly staged but plans went astray when Hans Blix failed to ‘find’ weapons of mass destruction per the scripted timetable.” Said Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz. “It would have come off if Hans had played ball, and I don’t even want to talk about Charles Duelfer and his report. Geeez.”
The jovial and lovable Dick Cheney was on hand to help The President explain events in his lighthearted way. “We were just kidding around, Osama Bin Laden doesn’t want to kill us, and we don’t want to kill him. He’s a great friend of The President. In fact, Osama has been hiding out in Crawford waiting for the post election parties.”
When asked about Saddam Hussein and his sons, Cheney replied. “They are doing great. They are in France now, they just love Paris and from what I hear the French people have really opened their hearts to the entire Family.”
“Once you meet them, you can’t help but like them. Good people, really.” Cheney later said, off the record, that he “hated to play the bad guy during the election. I’m just a normal loving dad not a fear mongering troll.”
Donald Rumsfeld and other top brass from the Pentagon also appeared. “The troops? In combat? Heck no! They are all on extended leave in Dubai. From what I hear the USS Nimitz has 44 volley ball counts on her deck, it’s going cost millions to wash the sand out of her.”
When asked about the 1200 dead and 7000 wounded American troops. Rumsfeld replied, “All volunteers, they just loved the President.”
The joyous event ended with the President surrounded by the smiling cast members of the Iraq war.
“You see. It’s okay. There is nothing to worry about.” Said The President. ” I never invaded Iraq. See. The Iraq survey group found no weapons of mass destruction. See. Why would we invade if they had no weapons? I’m just glad the joke is over. Now don’t you all feel safer?”