(UCS News:Chillicothe, Ohio) The citizens of Ohio face a new threat to their security. According to sources inside Ohio, the dark shadow of political satire has fallen upon the once proud Buckeye state. According to the Ohio Office of Homeland Security, web sites of questionable motive have been spreading rumors related to an imminent nuclear attack that would destroy the great state of Ohio.
Speaking from the Ohio capital of Columbus, Governor Bob Taft vowed to fight back. “We will not sit back and have the security and dignity of Ohio threatened by satire.” Speaking to reporters, Governor Taft complained the very mention of “Ohio to suffer nuclear attack” and “Iran plans to eliminate Ohio” has injured the state’s reputation. In light of the satire, Ohio Homeland Security Executive Director, John Overly has raised the Ohio threat level to condition orange or “High Risk of Terror Attacks”.
Critics of the Buckeye state claim “They brought the shame of satire upon themselves and the elevated threat level is a ploy to rake in more security money and to boost Republican candidates. The trouble all started for Ohio when its Secretary of State, Kenneth Blackwell, conspired to steal the election for fellow republican George W. Bush. With the help of corporate sponsor Die-Bold of Ohio, the election was a forgone conclusion. Mr. O’Dell, the founder of Die-Bold confirmed “I am committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President next year,”
From that point on, Ohio was the target of satire, terror groups, and voter fraud investigations. Trusted news outlets like The Onion, Unconfirmed sources, and the Drudge Report have consistently belittled the state and made it a prime target for an international terror attack. The Ohio Office of Homeland Security has demanded huge increases in funding to defend Ohio for what is sure to be a massive terror attack.
Ohio Homeland Security Executive Director John Overly claimed, today the cows and fields of Ohio require the same level of protection as Washington or New York City. On the other hand, Satirists defend their right to make light of Ohio, the fact that Ohio has a “Deputy Director of Counter Terrorism” is pure satire at its best. So we say to Richard Rawlins, The Deputy Director of Counter Terrorism for the fine state of Ohio, God bless you; This is the gilded age of satire!