Oil Surges on News of Jolie's Double-Birthing as Investors Fear Additional Adoptions, Live Births

New York – The price of crude oil soared on Friday, overcoming losses earlier in the week as news reports indicated that serial-adopter-turned-breeder Angelina Jolie had given birth to twins in France.

“The market is very tight right now, and investors are reacting to all sorts of news, from minor setbacks like pipeline destruction in Iraq and Nigeria to far more worrisome threats like additional Angelina Jolie offspring,” said Slim “Toothpick” Pickin’s, the senior oil analyst of an undisclosed off-shore petroleum think-tank. “Right now, I don’t think any traders want to be caught short in terms of just how big Jolie’s family can get.”

Jolie and her Hollywood heartthrob partner, Brad Pitt, already own four children, which has yielded an industry-leading, pre-twin compound annual growth rate of 26%. The fact that 75% of the growth has come via imports has not insulated commodity prices from its effects.

“Futures traders realize that importing preexisting children from exotic and starving third-world countries possibly affects commodity pricing nearly as much as organic child growth,” said Efrayim Banderillo, junior energy specialist, third-world division for Iberian Energy Consulting. “Jolie’s children will soon be driving H3s to go shopping on Rodeo Drive rather than driving tuk-tuks to mine landfills, and I think the ramifications are built into today’s pricing environment.”

Most analysts agreed that future growth of the Jolie-Pitt family was nearly limitless. “They could continue to import, but they have demonstrated a clear ability to insource production as well. I think that sends a strong message to the market … that we could even see simultaneous production lines in the future. In all scenarios, we see an unrelenting pressure on oil prices as a result,” said Pickin’s.