Washington — As it turns out, you really can’t perfume a pig and expect meaningful results, according to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). The agency is pointing to its latest empty gesture to spruce up the Transportation Security Administration (TSA): new uniforms.
On Sept. 11, the agency outfitted its airport screeners with royal blue uniforms, metal badges and epaulettes in an effort to make the workers more closely resemble law enforcement officers.
The result? Grandmothers, nuns and lactating mothers will now be strip searched, interrogated and forced to surrender bottled water by paper tigers wearing professional-looking uniforms, rather than just paper tigers.
“Although our uniforms have changed, our undying devotion to politically correct security methods will continue unabated,” said the secretary of Homeland Security. “Critical thinking, especially when combined with situational tactics, is the first step on the slippery slope to racism, and we won’t tolerate that in this agency.”
“The results speak for themselves,” declared Kip Hawley, the TSA administrator. “Apparently, Senator Obama was right