United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Baghdad to urge the leaders of the fledgling Iraqi Government to refrain from developing closer ties to it’s neighbors Syria and Iran. Unfortunately for all involved, the voluble and volatile Defense Secretary was kidnapped by insurgents as he traveled Baghdad’s notorious Airport Road less that one hour after he arrived in that benighted and war-torn country. Much to everyone’s surprise however, less than hour after that, he was released unharmed.
Initially, military officials were at a loss to determine why so valuable a strategic bargaining tool was given up by insurgents, but soon the answer became apparent. In a video-taped message delivered to a military check point the Union of Thugs, Losers, Assassins and Dead Enders explained, “Allah be Praised, but that guy nearly drove us crazy. He just talked and talked and we couldn’t figure out what in the hell he was saying. We told him we would behead him if the United States did not leave Iraq and he said, ‘Learn to say I don’t know. If used when appropriate, it will be often. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. Cluster bombs being used on frontline al Qaeda and Taliban troops to try to kill them is why we’re using them, to be perfectly blunt.'”
“The taped explanation continued, “The guy went on like that for twenty five minutes, non stop; man, we all got such a headache. Two of our people went right out and blew themselves up rather than listen anymore. We had planned on putting him in one of those kidnap videos, but we realized there just wasn’t enough video tape in Iraq once this idiot got started. It really just wasn’t worth it. We’re going back to kidnapping truck drivers and such.”
Defense officials were at first ecstatic about Rumsfeld’s unexpected return, but once the true reason for it emerged, there was considerable chagrin. One unnamed military commander said, “Actually, we know exactly what the terrorists are talking about. The guys been driving us insane since this stupid war started. I’ve volunteered for suicide missions twice rather than sit through one of his briefings. We’ve been in contact with the insurgents, trying to get them to take him back but no dice. Damn.”