Osama's New Release Goes Platinum for Christmas

In an audiotape broadcast Monday by Al-Jazeera satellite television, a man purported to be Osama bin Laden endorsed Abu-Musab al-Zarqawi as his deputy in Iraq and called for a boycott of next month’s elections there. The voice on the tape described al-Zarqawi as the “emir” of al-Qaida in Iraq and said “I’m the new Sharif, and Zarqawi is my deputy.”

“All around Afghanistan, they’re trying to track me down. They say they want to bring me in guilty for the killing of the deputy. For the life of the deputy. But I say: I’m the new Sharif, and Zarqawi is my deputy.

Sheriff George Bush always hated me. For what, I don’t know. Every time I plant a poppy seed, he says kill it before it grows.

Freedom came my way one day. And I started out of Sudan. All of a sudden I see Sheriff George Bush aiming to shoot me down. So I knocked the World Trade Center down.
I swear.

Reflexes got the better of me. The Holy Q’ran says “what is to be must be. Every day the bucket goes to the well, but one day the bottom will drop out,” and I say one day the bottom will drop out. I swear.

I’m the new Sharif, and Zarqawi is my deputy.” Repeat. Fade.