Retiring Attorney general John Ashcroft was arrested by Washington DC police today for attempting to steal the topless statue of Spirit of Justice, the same one that he had ordered covered in eight thousand dollars worth of blue cloth shortly after taking the post. Early reports suggest that Mr. Ashcroft hired the same carting company that had installed the massive stone Ten Commandments piece fro Judge Roy Moore in Alabama to secretly abscond with the statue, nicknamed Minnie Lou in the Justice Department, and take it to his home in Montana.
At first it was assumed that Mr. Ashcroft simply wanted to make sure that his probable replacement as Attorney General, Roberto Gonzales, would not be able to reverse his decision and uncover the naked breast of the statue, thereby titillating schoolboys and Fundamentalist Christians across America, but now a more disturbing motive seems to be coming to the fore. Speculation in the Attorney General’s office is that Mr. Ashcroft and Minnie Lou have been carrying on an illicit affair since shortly before the erstwhile AG ordered the breasts covered out of jealousy, not prudery.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “From what we in the White House can put together, the minute John came to Washington and got a good look at Minnie’s mammary it was all over for him; he was well and truly smitten. He’d sneak into the Great Hall late at night and do absolutely unspeakable things to the statue, things that no decent human being would talk about but which I’ll of course be happy to describe in detail to you at our weekly card game on Thursday over some beers. Anyway, it seems that Johnny has a thing for cold bitches and Minnie filled the bill for him quite nicely. He ordered the breast covered after he overheard a Junior AG making some lewd comment about it one day. “
Continuing to speak anonymously Waterhouse continued, “That’s the problem with Fundamentalist Christians…they’re so damn repressed that these feelings, when they finally do emerge, tend to manifest themselves in some pretty weird and sick ways. Ashcroft noodles statues, George W. Bush starts wars, Dick Cheney curses out Senators in Chambers, Gonzales orders prisoners to be tortured and everyone tries to gut Social Security. It’s kind of embarrassing to be associated with, but hell, the pays good and at least I won’t be spending any time in Guantanamo Bay, which is more than I can say for you.”