(Washington, D.C.) In an effort to improve America’s image abroad, President elect Barack Obama announced today that he will appoint Paris Hilton to the newly formed cabinet position of Secretary of the Exterior.
Obama stated that Ms. Hilton’s responsibilities will include attending social functions, dining with overseas dignitaries, entertaining and attending to the fantasy wishes of foreign kings, prime ministers, chancellors and other people of power and influence.
“We want visiting world leaders to leave the United States with smiles on their faces”, Obama stated at a news conference this afternoon. “Ms. Hilton would be ideally suited to making sure this happens”.
Critics of the new position claim that Ms. Hilton is simply being hired as a high-class call girl to fulfill the sexual whims of wealthy men. Obama clarified that Hilton is not required to have sex with the men but merely to entertain. However, if the men want sex, that is at Hilton’s discretion.
“I wouldn’t mind blowing some of those hot foreigners”, Ms. Hilton revealed to Unconfirmed Sources. “That French President guy is pretty sexy”, she stated in apparent reference to French President and President in office of the European Council Nicolas Sarkozy.
Obama stated that Paris Hilton is the most qualified candidate for the new cabinet position as she has been partying extensively with some of the wealthiest people in the world for several years.
Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said he is looking forward to his first visit to the United States after Obama is sworn in. “I will leave my wife at home”, Jiabao said with a smile.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel also looked forward to her future White House visits. “I hear she swings both ways”, Ms Merkel was quoted as saying.
Singer Britney Spears was also offered the cabinet position but turned it down at the insistence of her father/custodian.