Paris Hilton Vows Celibacy. Mel Gibson Apologizes For It?

(Los Angeles-CA) At a press conference held in front of the New York City’s temple Rodolph Shalom, Paris Hilton, part time celebrity and full time masturbation fodder to scores of Internet surfing 12 year old males, announced, “I will not have sex for one year…with anything that doesn’t need batteries.” Hilton was flanked by Oscar winning actor and anti-Semite drunk Mel Gibson, who added, “and I truly apologize for that.” The Jewish community was confused.

Long time Upper West Side resident, octogenarian Emma Gottlieb, expressed the crowds’ confusion, exclaiming, “What is that Nazi doing in front of our temple?” Having forgotten her glasses, Gottlieb was referring to Hilton because “any one that tall with blond hair has to be a Nazi.” After being told Gibson was next to Hilton, Gottlieb walked away in exasperation saying, “What is this Poland 1939?”

The question of why Paris Hilton declaring celibacy is newsworthy is about as necessary to be asked as ‘you think George Bush’s Mid East policy is flawed?’ But why Gibson beside her? The actor’s publicist, Alan Nierob, explained, “Mel felt that Paris’ decision might be interpreted in the Jewish community as being motivated by her former boyfriend, Rick Solomon, a Jew, distributing their sex romp on the web for profit. And at this point in his life, Mel feels ‘wherever more than one Jew is gathered to possibly defame his name’, He will be there to apologize.”

A reporter did ask Hilton if she was motivated by Solomon being Jewish. Her answer, “Jewish, I thought he was, like, born in L.A. Doesn’t that make him American?” chased away any fears of her potential Kristallnacht tendencies. Gibson added after the statement, “I’d like to also apologize to the Jewish people for that statement made by Paris. I know you people are very learned, and she is well…not a Jew. Actually, I don’t even think she’s Catholic. But that’s okay…really.”

Hilton was also asked if being celibate for one year would be a problem. She was quick to stress her commitment. “As long as there are spin cycles on washing machines, I’ll be fine.” Gibson then offered to power drink six bottles of Manishevitz in five minutes and be heckled by the crowd to prove he wasn’t an anti-Semite.

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