WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since Unconfirmed Sources first broke the story about explosive video footage of Secretary Rumsfeld streaking across the Pentagon lawn, many people have demanded that immediate punitive action be taken against the Secretary. The video footage, which Unconfirmed Sources obtained after a legal battle, has prompted Senators from both parties to call for Rumsfeld’s resignation.
Democratic Senator Russ Feingold is calling on Secretary Rumsfeld to issue a statement explaining his bizarre behavior, although that is not expected until after the Secretary seeks legal counsel. There has been no word on what law firm will represent Rumsfeld.
The action in the video footage starts in the ninth frame, and shows the Secretary of Defense streaking across the Pentagon lawn almost right behind a Department of Defense police car.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said that he finds the Secretary’s behavior to be “appalling and abominable.”
“Amidst persistent allegations, a lot of us here on Capitol Hill suspected Secretary Rumsfeld was doing this sort of thing, but we all held out hope there was no truth to this,” said Senator Bill Frist. “I find this behavior to be appalling and abominable.”
Retired Marine General Anthony Zinni said, “This could end up working towards a positive end: i.e., the Secretary of Defense may be forced to resign.”
Even Republican Party strategist Bea Crooke admitted that Streakgate could be a very damaging scandal.
“There is no place for a Secretary of Defense who streaks across the Pentagon lawn,” Bea Crooke said. “This turned out to be a major disappointment, as we were all confident of the Secretary’s innocence.”
Before the video footage was unveiled, FOX News reporters were saying that the video footage would “certainly prove” Secretary Rumsfeld’s innocence. After the video footage was shown, all of the reporters at FOX News suspended commentary and went virtually silent.
Streakers Anonymous Director E. Normus Peter said that he would welcome Secretary Rumsfeld’s participation in meetings, since Rumsfeld is obviously a man in need of intervention.
“Secretary Rumsfeld needs help, and we can provide that for him,” said E. Normus Peter.