Polar Bear Farts Blamed for Mid-West Winter Wind Storm

Scott Pruitts Farting Polar Bears
Scott Pruitts Farting Polar Bear.

(Washington D.C.) Unconfirmed Sources are reporting that Scott Pruitt has blamed Canadian polar bears for the massive wind storm that left over 1 million people without power.  Pruitt, Administrator of the Agency(formerly known as the Environmental Protect Agency) claims a massive coordinated bear fart caused the storm.

The storm that blew through the Midwest on Wednesday and Thursday knocked out power for millions and felled thousands of trees. Over 4000 power lines are down as sustained winds of over 70 miles an hour pummeled the area.

“It was a winter hurricane!” says weather expert Gusty Jones.  “Sustained winds of 73 miles per hour in March!  Crazy!  When you see extreme weather events like this you have to start thinking global climate change.  Record setting warm temps in the area a few days ago, tons of extra heat energy…bam!  Super wind storm.”

Experts agree, warmer temperatures means more intense weather.

As climate has warmed over recent years, a new pattern of more frequent and more intense weather events has unfolded across the globe. Climate models simulate such changes in extreme events, and some of the reasons for the changes are well understood. Warming increases the likelihood of extremely hot days and nights, favors increased atmospheric moisture that may result in more frequent heavy rainfall and snowfall, and leads to evaporation that can exacerbate droughts.

-The National Academies Press

Agency Administrator Pruitt has a theory on how the superstorm occurred.

 According to Pruitt”…some many thousands of western Canadian polar bears, who were looking towards the sunset on Wednesday night farted in unison.  The massive gust of bear farts swept eastward and then south toward the midwest.  The winds generated by the bear farts caused the extensive damage.  I can’t imagine any other cause.”

Whatever the cause crews are still working at this hour to repair the damage.

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