Popcorn, Peanuts…….GET YOUR JESUS!!

Big trucks, big houses and big women. They like em’ big in Texas. Including their churches. America’s largest Church based in Houston, TX celebrated in grand style Sunday as it moved into it’s new home, the former Compaq Center. The stadium that once hosted wild rock and roll concerts as well serving as home court for the Houston Rockets will now be home to over 16,000 raving and screaming fans of Jesus.

“Turn out was very low during the first hour of worship.” stated Pastor Joel Olsteen. “It wasn’t a big surprise to me, our opening act was Genesis”.

Many church goer’s where very pleased with the newly remodeled rock stadium turned house of worship. One section in the Church known as the “Dogma Pound” was very popular. This is were the die hard, hardcore worshipers sat. Waving big green foam hands with “Go Jesus” printed on them. We gathered some reactions from patrons as they exited the church.

Julie Newmower explained, “Before I had to go down on 3 security guards just to get back stage. Now all I have to do is accept Christ as my savior and I’m in!”

“I love how they kept the score-board in place. I could clearly see that Jesus is ahead by 15 points over Satan with only 10 seconds left in the sermon”

However, not all in attendance were one hundred percent satisfied with their new chapel.

“10 Dollars for a Bottle of Holy Water is an outrage!” said Ethel Johnson.

“I was trying to signal for a hot dog vendors attention, when the next thing you know, I’m dedicating my life to Christ!” explained Joe Harrington.

“During the hymnal “Rock of Ages” I was swept into a mosh pit that broke out first 3 pews. No more floor seating for me!” said Ilene Martinez.

A few other members were disappointed not by the Church itself but for the fact that, as usual, Jesus was a no show.

“I couldn’t believe that he didn’t show up, he was the headliner for God’s sake! We built this Texas sized church for him, and he doesn’t even bother to make an appearance via satellite on the big screen. I’m always told to just have faith in him, he will perform next Sunday for sure.” exclaimed Martha Quaidly.

One unique concept that this church has adapted that no other church in the United Sates has, is the “no passing of the collection plate” policy. All services are sponsored by Miller Lite, Budweiser and SBC.