Citing worldwide financial crisis and global unrest, Pope Benedict XVI announced today from the Vatican that Catholic believers will discard their crucifixes and now pray to a Smiley Face.
The Pope firmly believes that Jesus wanted his followers to smile and spread good cheer.
“I never did like that thing”, the Pontiff declared in reference to the crucifix. “It shows a dead guy in his underwear with blood coming out all over. It give me the heebie-jeebies just looking at it. I want to get rid of all these crucifies we have all over the place and put in something that will make people smile.”
The Pontiff further explained that if people are smiling they will be less obsessed with their losses, be more concerned for those less fortunate and will be less likely to engage in homosexual conduct.
Some Catholics were less than enthusiastic about the change in Church doctrine. Daily churchgoer Anthony Spinzatti said, “I’ve been making a killing in gold crucifix investments. That Pope has gotta be out of his freaking mind!”
The Pope also requested all other Christian sects adopt the Happy Face symbol as well. As of this morning, the Lutherans and Episcopalians were considering the adoption.